Ryan's Birth Story

I wrote my birth story for Kate, so I wanted to make sure I got Ryan's story down on "paper" too. It's already been 4 months 6 months  almost 7 months since Ryan entered the world, and his birth story was really similar to Kate's in some ways, and really different in other ways - mainly how long it took!

First of all, let me say what a kick I get out of the fact that Ryan was born on his actual due date. I've heard less than 5% of babies actually show up on their due date. Because Kate was born 10 days early I was absolutely sure that we would be meeting Ryan before September 12th. In fact, many people thought he would be an August baby. I was 3 or 4cm dilated for 3 weeks before he was born, but man, he was set on waiting until his due date to show up.

The day he was born was a beautiful September Friday. I woke up around 5:30am as Adam was getting ready for work feeling some serious discomfort. I had been having intense Braxton-Hicks (or that's what I thought they were) for a couple of days, so at first I just brushed it off. As soon as I actually got up and started moving around, it was apparent that these weren't just the aches and pains of the last few days of pregnancy. Adam had left for work a little after 6am (work for him was over an hour away because we were living in NW Indiana with his parents as we were transitioning from our townhouse to a new house) but I realized quickly, after having a 3 minute long, knee buckling contraction, that what I was experiencing was probably the real deal and called him to come back home and take me to the hospital. It was totally to our advantage that we were living with my in-laws at the time because we didn't even have to wake Kate up when we left, we just told my mother in law we were leaving and that was it (later I cried about not saying good-bye to Kate!)

Little did I know I'd be meeting my baby boy in about 4.5 hours!

We left for the hospital just before 7am. I started timing my contractions and they were steadily coming along about 3 or 4 minutes apart, and getting more intense with each passing one. Since we were living with Adam's parent's, but chose to deliver in Downers Grove close to where we would eventually be living, we had an hour car ride ahead of us and because we left during the morning commute, we hit some pretty heavy traffic about 45 minutes into the trip. We joked about flagging the police down for help, and I kept thinking, "not that I need it because my contractions are still 4 minutes apart and manageable, so there was NO way I'm progressing very fast at all, right? Right?!" Adam, however,  did make the decision to drive on the shoulder of the highway (slowly) at one point to make sure we weren't wasting time getting to the hospital, which he thought was pretty cool :)

We arrived at Good Samaritan hospital around 8am and made it up to the maternity ward around 8:15am. At this point the contractions were coming around 2 minutes apart and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. To my shock, when the nurse checked me, I was already 8, almost 9cm dilated and progressing quickly. She suggested breaking my water to move things along even faster, but I declined. I was very relieved to hear how far along I was because at that point I wasn't sure how long I would be able to handle the pain from the contractions. They also asked me if I wanted that epidural at this point. The nurse said, "it's not too late!" I'm pretty sure she asked me in the middle of focusing on a contraction because I recall saying that I didn't want to be "bothered" by it - ha ha, bothered by sweet pain relieving medicine! In the middle of a contraction I really just go into "the zone" and don't want people touching/talking/looking/breathing near me. After checking me the nurse went to get the OB on call and started prepping the warming station that babies go to once they were born. That was a wake-up call to me that they thought that this baby would be coming very quickly.

 Shortly after 9am the OB came in, introduced himself (we had met once during one of my routine check-ups) and checked me again and told me I was almost at 10cm, but suggested breaking my water to move things along more quickly. This time I agreed and as soon as they broke my water the OB told us there was meconium (baby poo) in my water. This could potentially cause respiratory issues, so they were glad that I was close to delivering, so they could get him out and breathing air as soon as possible. We even had a neonatologist called in with a respirator in case he was not breathing well.

Around 10am I got the clear to start pushing. For some reason, I always have a huge mental block when it comes to pushing and I'm convinced that I can't do it. Adam was right by my side, just like he was at Kate's birth giving me the encouragement to keep going, even though I was sure I was getting nowhere. My first two pushes really didn't seem like they did anything. I couldn't feel him moving down and I was preparing myself to have to push for hours...on the third push Ryan moved down really fast and really far and the doctor told me to take a break because the next push he was going to be out. The very next push I delivered his head and was shocked to hear everyone in the room yell "STOP!" as soon as his head was out. I didn't know it at the time, but the cord was wrapped around the neck (not tightly, thank God) and my doctor needed to unwrap it before I could push out his shoulders and body...needless to say, that was 45 seconds I never want to live again!! All I wanted was this baby OUT of my body and I was so close...and now they were telling me to STOP pushing?!? Of course, the door to my room was wide open and I was screaming, "What the #@!& are you DOING!?!" at my OB...poor guy.

Soon enough I was given the okay to push one more time and Ryan Lanman entered the world (fully) at 10:35am, just five and a half hours after my very first contraction, clocking in at 9lb. 1oz. and 20.75" long. He cried and screamed right away which was a relief considering the complications with the meconium and the cord being wrapped around his neck. The neonatologist heard him cry a couple of times and then smiled and said, "I guess you don't need me!" and left our room. I'm so glad we didn't have to use her services.

The next to hours I spent recovering and snuggling Ryan. I had the same issues with postpartum bleeding, but this time received a pain medicine and Pitocin, and as much Zofran as they would legally put in my body, intravenously that helped the nurses manage the clotting. I was really against having any pain meds because they affect me so much (like, Exorcist style puking!!) , but I'm really glad I agreed to it to save myself the agony of having to manage the bleeding without anything to take the edge off.

Well - that's that and all's well that ends well. The rest of the hospital stay was awesome and Ryan didn't struggle with the jaundice issues that Kate did, which we were extremely grateful for. 48 hours later we were on our way home to begin our life as a family of 4! The entire pregnancy felt like such a blur because my focus was split between raising Kate, moving out of our townhome and living temporarily with my in-laws.

It's strange now, thinking that the time of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, or caring for a tiny newborn are more than likely over for us forever. We're not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but each passing day we feel like our family is complete now that Ryan is here. As hectic as my pregnancy was with him, I'm glad that I took the time to cherish my growing bump and, in the end, all the kicks and elbows Ryan would throw to my ribs. It's bittersweet for my pregnancy to be over with him, but I couldn't ask for a cuter boy!

2014 Recap...Finish This

Linking Up With Nicole From Three 31 for the Finish This linkup


What did you do in 2014 that you've never done before?

Sold a house...I'd been trying to do that since 2011.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions?

My New Year's resolution was to live my life with "intention" and to not mindlessly go through my days not appreciating my family, children, friends. I think I did a decent job of this, but it's hard to gage because a) there was really no actionable goals associated with this resolution and b) most of the year was so crazy with moving in with my the in-laws and having a baby...lots of the time was just trying to keep my head above water!

Will you make more for next year?

Yes. This year I plan on making 3 resolutions with actionable goals, so that I can track my progress. I do better with milestone and clear goals instead of making my resolution something abstract.

Did anyone close to you give birth?

Well, I gave birth...so that counts, right? I had two girlfriends that I'm very close friends with have babies in June and November as well!

Did anyone close to you die?

My grandma Doris passed away this year, as did my Aunt Patty and my best friend's father. While I was not particularly close with any of them, each of their death's left a strong impression on me.

What countries did you visit?

Just the good old USA :)

What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?

More peace, more calm. 2014 was just a bit insane with finding out we were pregnant, moving out of our home and into my in-laws basement for 6 months, then taking on a beautiful home that needed lots of work right away while taking care of a newborn..it was just...a lot.

What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?

September 12th - Ryan was born!

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

The purchase of our new house. It was such a labor of love and heartache to get into our new home. I couldn't be happier with it.

What was your biggest failure?

I wanted to be more financially secure going into 2015. It just gives me something to work towards this year.

Did you suffer illness or injury?

No illness, but I do have a muscular/hernia injury from Ryan separating my stomach muscles so much that they aren't healing right. Luckily, I'm on the mend.

What was the best thing you bought?

Non-material - my son!

Material - beautiful, dark bamboo flooring that I've been dreaming of 

Whose behavior merited celebration?

Katherine Quinn. This girl has just rolled with the punches every step of the way. From living in a basement for 6 months, to welcoming a baby brother. She is the embodiment of resilience and joy. She just amazes me everyday with her ability to go with the flow. 

Where did most of your money go?

Selling our old town home almost wiped us out. Only in this day in age do you have to bring most of your life savings to crawl out from under a crappy mortgage...but onward and upward!

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The thought of making our new house a home, starting our life as a family of 4. 

What song will always remind you of 2014?

My husband kind of nailed it when he said, "Frozen"...all the songs from Frozen, but mostly "Let It Go"

Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?

I think I'm happier. I feel so different, it's hard to say. I'm definitely happier.

Thinner or fatter?

Fatter....I went from being in amazing shape, to carrying a baby, now here I am 3 months postpartum...it ain't pretty.

Richer or poorer?

Financially- so so much poorer...but happier, remember? :)

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Not worrying so much.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Cruising the internet. It's an addiction 

How did you spend Christmas?

In Key Largo with my family and in-laws. 80 degree weather was glorious. 

Did you fall in love in 2014?

Yes! I feel in love with Ryan Lanman and I also fell in love with a new home (after a rocky start)

Who were your best friends?

Adam, Allison, Brooke, Lauren and Kim/Kate/Diedra @ work

What thing did you do that was meaningful to others?

I tried to be a sounding board and support for my closest friends, we certainly went through some shit this year (pardon my French)...I hope they would agree

What were your favorite TV programs?

My mother in law got me into Dancing with the Stars and I really enjoyed it, Parenthood, Walking Dead, Downton Abby, any and all award shows

What was the best book you read in 2014?

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown seriously changed my life. It's amazing.

What did you want and get?

A new house (are you seeing a trend here?)

What did you want but did NOT get?

The new bamboo floors installed by New Year's 

What were your favorite films this year?

Interstellar and Fault in our Stars

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I spent Memorial Day weekend (my birthday) in Saugatuck, MI...I turned 32.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

If I didn't have to battle postpartum anxiety after having Ryan...I do not do the newborn weeks well.

What kept you sane?

Family, my mother and mother-in-law saved my life.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Kate Middleton - she's so classy and fun to watch

What political issue stirred you the most?

The shooting of Mike Brown in Ferguson, MO...and the ensuing discussions that followed. The actions of pope Francis, he really excites me.

Who do you miss?

Easy. Kate Bliss. She is such a wonderful friend and confidant. I miss her presence in the office every day.

Who are the best new persons you met this year?

I can't really think of anyone new that I met in 2014, but my new neighbors are shaping up to be cool people. Maybe when it's above 0 degrees I can get to know them better.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.

That sometimes life throws you curve balls, sometimes it doesn't go as planned and doesn't look shiny and perfect from the outside. But, that doesn't mean that it isn't wonderful, magical, and absolute gift...you just have to have the right perspective. 

Quote that sums up your year:

My word for 2014 - Intent.

So, I realize that I'm about 50 days late actually coming up with and writing down my "word of the year". I just had such a hard time wrapping my head around what I actually wanted it to be, what I wanted this year to convey.

Some people pick a word, every year, that reflects the type of improvement, change, or philosophy they wish to embrace for the next 365 days. For some, I would imagine this is easy. When scouring the internet and reading other blogs I found a slew of words that one would expect to find when choosing a word of the year, like "simplicity" or "peace" or "love" but, none of those captured the feeling that I was really vying for this year.

I knew what I was aiming for, I just didn't have a name for it yet. I'm striving to be more present, more mindful. To live in each day without worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. But, it was more than that. I needed more than to just live in the moment. I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to have more purpose, or to give the actions and tasks of my daily life more thought. Lately, I feel as though I zoom through life so quickly, or multitask the ever-living crap out of my day so much, that I don't even realize what I'm doing half the time. It's literally the process of going from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next, until I look up 5 hours later and think, "what just happened?" Did I really give my best shot at the study I was writing? Was I really listening and contributing in that conversation I had? Did I really just spend an hour on Google looking at shoes for Kate?

The more I thought about this, the more I knew that this was the goal for 2014. That living with an aim or purpose was what I needed to be working on. Even if it was just focusing on everyday tasks at hand. I needed to live with intention. 

I'm still working on it. Sometimes I have to repeat the word over and over in my head like a meditation to stay focused, but so far so good. I can look back on most of my days now and not only remember what I've done, and know that each action was a product of my intention. 

Did you choose a word to live by for 2014?

Newborn Must-Haves

When we found out we were pregnant with Kate I immediately began researching baby products and planning her nursery. I knew there were stores upon stores dedicated to selling parents the "best" gear for babies, and I also realized there was a lot of stuff that was absolutely unnecessary as well. I was bound and determined to figure it all out.

Now, two years later, I feel like somewhat of an old pro when it comes to baby gear. I know what works well for my family and I did enough research to at least have suggestions for other people who've asked for advice. I thought I'd put down some of the products that we love here:

My Breast Friend - The Boppy is great for nursing a baby, but I think the My Breast Friend is even better. It has back support, clips around your waist so it stays up and offers a more level surface for the baby to rest on. It even has a little pouch on the side to store things like nipple cream and extra nipple shields. I had this and the Boppy and felt both had their own perks, but I preferred the My Breast Friend. 
My Breast Friend

Dr. Brown's Bottles - Although I started out exclusively breastfeeding Kate, I eventually needed to pump to supplement her and then we went to formula all together after 3 months. We tried several bottles (I'm glad I didn't register for more than a few) and landed on Dr. Brown's in the end. There are 4 separate parts to the bottle, making it a pain to wash, but we felt Kate did the best on them. She never struggled with reflux and the flow was just right for her. 
Dr. Brown's Bottles

HALO SleepSack Swaddle - Kate loved being swaddled when she was a newborn. Since she was an autumn/winter baby we loved the warn fleece HALO swaddles. Some people prefer swaddles without Velcro (since they can make a lot of noise during a middle of the night diaper change), but out of the three or four brands we tried, HALO was my favorite!
HALO SleepSack Swaddles

Boppy Changing Pad Liners - I LOVED these so much and originally didn't even think I would need them. I thought these things were going to go the way of "extra perks that weren't really necessary" but, by the 4th or 5th time Kate peed outside of her diaper onto one, in the FIRST week we were home, I was hooked. They saved me from having to strip the entire changing pad cover off and wash it anytime there is an accident. 
Boppy Waterproof Changing Pad Liners

Jacques the Peacock - This little peacock is great for newborns. It has different textures and colors and fabrics (crinkle!) that make it great for new little eyes and hands to explore. Plus, the back of the peacock is predominately black and white with bold shapes which is perfect for newborn sight development. I also loved the car seat clip on top so he could travel with us when we were on the go.
Jacques the Peacock

Adan + Anais Muslin Swaddling Blankets - We loved this swaddlers, even though we never swaddled Kate in one. We used it as a car seat cover, as a place to lay her on the ground to play when we were traveling, as a blanket to keep her warm while napping, a nursing cover, an impromptu burp cloth, and now she loves to put them over her head and walk around the house like goof ball! Plus, they are super soft and pretty darling.
Aden + Anais Muslin Swaddling Blankets

Boon Lawn Drying Rack - With all the breast pump parts and bottles we were washing early on, we got a ton of use from our drying rack. The great thing about it is that it works with anything you might want to put on here and isn't tailored to a certain type of bottle. The tree and flower accessory make it east to dry the tiny breast pump membranes and pacis that have to be rinsed  We use it to dry sippy cups and wine glasses now :) 
Boon Lawn Countertop Drying Rack
Tree Accessory |   Flower Accessory 

City Mini GT Stroller - Strollers were the one thing that Adam really got into as far as research goes. We did a lot of back and forth regarding what we needed as a family and considered: size/weight, ease of collapsing and storing the stroller in the truck of our car, the ability to use it with an infant car seat, and durable tires. The City Mini GT fit all those requirements for us and has the most kick-ass sunshade I've ever seen on a stroller!  
 City Mini GT Stroller

Here's Looking at You 2014!

I realized today that it's been just over 100 days our since our loss. It's not that I want to sweep the pain of the miscarriage under the rug per say, but it's time to move onward and upward. I've moved on.

The storm has passed and we've steered our boat to calmer waters. Through it all I've seen how tough I can be, how strong my resolve is and learned some extremely important life lessons. Mainly - how to be happy in a life where you really have zero control over what happens next; how to be happy in a life that doesn't shape up the way you envisioned it; how to be happy (like truly to your gut happy) after absolutely terrible things happen to you. I know people have discovered these things before I have, but there is no way I could know this kind of happiness unless I had gone through the miscarriage. It's very liberating, knowing that you can survive and even thrive regardless of bad circumstances. 

I'm really quiet excited for what 2014 has in store for me. I don't really do serious resolutions. I like to get a jump on things I want to change rather than wait around for an arbitrary date on the calendar to roll around. However, there are a few things I want to accomplish this year.

1) I want to be become as passionate about saving money as I am about spending it.

I really love to shop and it really doesn't matter what I'm shopping for. I get the a kick out of picking out milk, lipstick, clothes, anything...I'm an equal opportunity purchaser. However, I love the feeling of tucking away money for our future even more. I've never been irresponsible with money, but this year I want to be an A+ saver. I think I'm going to try to do a couple of "no spend" months where we only purchase the absolute necessities and make due without any extras.

2) I want to continue to incorporate enriching and engaging activities with Kate. 

When Kate was born I did so much reading and research regarding early infant milestone, nursing, sleeping, everything really...but, once she hit 1 year I really stopped exploring ways to better my parenting skills. Now, don't get me wrong, my kid is breathing with little to no psychological or physical damage, so I'm pretty much nailing this parenting business, but I'm always interested to read about ways we could be better, or honestly, ways to make our lives easier :) So far, I've been very interested in the Montessori teaching method since Adam's family has used it in the past.

3) Be more organized

Oh man, doesn't everyone say this one every year? Probably because so many of us realize the huge benefits to putting a little effort to keeping our lives organized. We are on the run constantly - like only home 2 of the last 9(!!) weekends. Plus, we are out of our house close to 12 hours a day. It doesn't leave a ton of time to get myself together everyday (it's also my secret to having a very clean house - just never be there). I've started to realize that being unorganized adds way more stress than if I just put up a little effort in the times I'm actually home. This just means actually laying out Kate's clothes every night, staying on top of the laundry and committing to meal planning every Sunday (don't tell me to use a slow cooker unless you know a food that can survive 12+ hours of heat and won't turn to mush). I'm very confindent that I can pull this one of since I've had glimmers of being very organized here and there.

4) ENJOY LIFE!

This is the most fun and most important goal  of them all, don't you think? It all goes by so fast. I just want to soak up every moment and stayed focused on being present and happy.

Mommy Wars

Have you heard of this little thing called 'Mommy Wars?' If not, you're lucky. Let me take a second to give my two cents on the matter here. Along the way I'll sprinkle some  mean-spirited eCards I've seen floating out there on the internet (**I'll insert my foul language warning here**), just as an example of what parents today exposed to in regards to the personal choices they make for their families. These are really charming (typed in sarcasm font).

"Mommy wars" is a media-derived term which pits working mothers against their dreaded foe - the stay-at-home mom. Each side of the supposed war has their opinion on what is best way for a family to function. Each side loves to play in the "pain Olympics" on who has it worse. Is it the poor stay-at-home mom who never gets a break, feels like she is losing her identity, struggles to find time for herself? Or is it the working mom, constantly trying to find balance and time to keep her work life and family life afloat and feeling like she's failing at both? Both sides sound pretty miserable, right?.

First and foremost, let me express my deep gratitude to my friends and family, who are amazing enough to not partake in the petty comparison, judgements, and passive aggressiveness that make up "mommy wars." I'm proud to say that I surround myself with the type of gal who does the best she can for her family, and realizes that all of her mom friends are also doing the best for their family - even if it's very different than the choices she's made.

Nowadays, mommy wars happen over almost every major parenting decision one can make. I've read and heard heated arguments over breast vs. bottle feeding, extended rear facing vs. front facing car seats, baby led weaning vs. purees, and attachment vs. "free range" parenting (just to name a few). You name it and somewhere out there, someone has an opinion that they take as Gospel and expect you to do the same. 

The problem lies in being "too connected" I think. There are so many wonderful aspects of being "plugged in" online. I learned tips and tricks online that made my first year with Kate a hell of a lot easier. However, there is so much information out there regarding pregnancy and parenting (and every other facet of human existence) that you can easily lose your instinct for what works for your family. I also think that this wealth of information is drowning out the best resource of all - those who have come before us within our own family. Moms and dads who came before us have a lot of wisdom to share. What is we couldn't run and consult Dr. Google every time our baby had the sniffles?

 

Don't misunderstand me. There are things every generation did that are better left in the past - I mean, do we really need to go back to letting our children stand on our laps in the front seat of the car while cruising down the highway at 80 MPH? No. But, I think sometimes we should trust our instinct and listen to the voices of those close to us, who love and care for us. Maybe we can all just live and let live when it comes to other people's choices in parenting, ...and heck, really every aspect of life.

Nailed it.

My Loss Story

On September 26, 2013 - 1 year after Kate's original due date - we found out that we had miscarried our baby at 10 weeks 4 days. 

Honestly, I knew the baby was gone before we even went in for the ultrasound, there had been signs all week that the pregnancy might not be viable. But, the moment the tech placed the wand on my stomach, it became a reality. It wasn't my first time at the "rodeo" and I knew what we should be seeing on the screen. All there was was an empty space, literally my worst fear in life projected onto a screen. My heart was broken. Our Easter baby was on longer on his or her way.

This was my third pregnancy; second loss since 2010. I've had more unsuccessful pregnancies than successful ones. Bringing babies into the world isn't easy for me. It's an all out fight.

Now I move forward. 

I'm working on healing emotionally. Concerning myself with taking care of my body and mind. Recovering from the procedure that removed all trace of the pregnancy, since my own body wasn't doing it on it's own. Grappling with the concept of hope and wondering if I'll be able to not only get pregnant again, but enjoy even one second of it without worrying. Carefully "undoing" all of the projected memories and milestones in my head and letting them go - how I would tell people at work, being pregnant at Christmastime, how long my maternity leave would be, spending a majority of that leave with Adam out of school (so fun!). Being frustrated, hell, even out right angry that I wouldn't have 2 kids under 2 years old (this baby would have been 19 months younger than Kate), that was a spacing in age that Adam and I were excited about.

I'm processing all of this while wondering what the implications of carrying around a broken heart have on my husband and daughter and friends and family. Trying to be strong for them, without denying myself a chance to recover from facing this nightmare.

The upshot? 

Everyday gets easier. Taking life day by day and mindfulness saves me constantly. I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I thought I was and I've gained monumental amounts of perspective. Realizing that everyone has something painful they carry reinforces my belief that we need to treat each other gently and kindly. I've got so much gratitude for the blessings in my life. I have a beautiful daughter and I know that I don't really need one more good thing to ever happen to me again because of her - she is enough. 

This is just another beginning and I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. We will, of course, try to get pregnant again and I hope to bring another little soul into the world someday soon. I've got some work ahead of me to heal, but I'm ready to tackle it head on.

This fight and this story isn't over.