Mommy Wars

Have you heard of this little thing called 'Mommy Wars?' If not, you're lucky. Let me take a second to give my two cents on the matter here. Along the way I'll sprinkle some  mean-spirited eCards I've seen floating out there on the internet (**I'll insert my foul language warning here**), just as an example of what parents today exposed to in regards to the personal choices they make for their families. These are really charming (typed in sarcasm font).

"Mommy wars" is a media-derived term which pits working mothers against their dreaded foe - the stay-at-home mom. Each side of the supposed war has their opinion on what is best way for a family to function. Each side loves to play in the "pain Olympics" on who has it worse. Is it the poor stay-at-home mom who never gets a break, feels like she is losing her identity, struggles to find time for herself? Or is it the working mom, constantly trying to find balance and time to keep her work life and family life afloat and feeling like she's failing at both? Both sides sound pretty miserable, right?.

First and foremost, let me express my deep gratitude to my friends and family, who are amazing enough to not partake in the petty comparison, judgements, and passive aggressiveness that make up "mommy wars." I'm proud to say that I surround myself with the type of gal who does the best she can for her family, and realizes that all of her mom friends are also doing the best for their family - even if it's very different than the choices she's made.

Nowadays, mommy wars happen over almost every major parenting decision one can make. I've read and heard heated arguments over breast vs. bottle feeding, extended rear facing vs. front facing car seats, baby led weaning vs. purees, and attachment vs. "free range" parenting (just to name a few). You name it and somewhere out there, someone has an opinion that they take as Gospel and expect you to do the same. 

The problem lies in being "too connected" I think. There are so many wonderful aspects of being "plugged in" online. I learned tips and tricks online that made my first year with Kate a hell of a lot easier. However, there is so much information out there regarding pregnancy and parenting (and every other facet of human existence) that you can easily lose your instinct for what works for your family. I also think that this wealth of information is drowning out the best resource of all - those who have come before us within our own family. Moms and dads who came before us have a lot of wisdom to share. What is we couldn't run and consult Dr. Google every time our baby had the sniffles?

 

Don't misunderstand me. There are things every generation did that are better left in the past - I mean, do we really need to go back to letting our children stand on our laps in the front seat of the car while cruising down the highway at 80 MPH? No. But, I think sometimes we should trust our instinct and listen to the voices of those close to us, who love and care for us. Maybe we can all just live and let live when it comes to other people's choices in parenting, ...and heck, really every aspect of life.

Nailed it.

My Loss Story

On September 26, 2013 - 1 year after Kate's original due date - we found out that we had miscarried our baby at 10 weeks 4 days. 

Honestly, I knew the baby was gone before we even went in for the ultrasound, there had been signs all week that the pregnancy might not be viable. But, the moment the tech placed the wand on my stomach, it became a reality. It wasn't my first time at the "rodeo" and I knew what we should be seeing on the screen. All there was was an empty space, literally my worst fear in life projected onto a screen. My heart was broken. Our Easter baby was on longer on his or her way.

This was my third pregnancy; second loss since 2010. I've had more unsuccessful pregnancies than successful ones. Bringing babies into the world isn't easy for me. It's an all out fight.

Now I move forward. 

I'm working on healing emotionally. Concerning myself with taking care of my body and mind. Recovering from the procedure that removed all trace of the pregnancy, since my own body wasn't doing it on it's own. Grappling with the concept of hope and wondering if I'll be able to not only get pregnant again, but enjoy even one second of it without worrying. Carefully "undoing" all of the projected memories and milestones in my head and letting them go - how I would tell people at work, being pregnant at Christmastime, how long my maternity leave would be, spending a majority of that leave with Adam out of school (so fun!). Being frustrated, hell, even out right angry that I wouldn't have 2 kids under 2 years old (this baby would have been 19 months younger than Kate), that was a spacing in age that Adam and I were excited about.

I'm processing all of this while wondering what the implications of carrying around a broken heart have on my husband and daughter and friends and family. Trying to be strong for them, without denying myself a chance to recover from facing this nightmare.

The upshot? 

Everyday gets easier. Taking life day by day and mindfulness saves me constantly. I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I thought I was and I've gained monumental amounts of perspective. Realizing that everyone has something painful they carry reinforces my belief that we need to treat each other gently and kindly. I've got so much gratitude for the blessings in my life. I have a beautiful daughter and I know that I don't really need one more good thing to ever happen to me again because of her - she is enough. 

This is just another beginning and I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. We will, of course, try to get pregnant again and I hope to bring another little soul into the world someday soon. I've got some work ahead of me to heal, but I'm ready to tackle it head on.

This fight and this story isn't over.

Kate turns 1!

A few weeks ago we gathered family and close friends to our house to celebrate Kate's 1st birthday. It was a lovely day and I was so touched by the love and support that everyone showed us on her big day!

So, we journey into toddlerhood. The first year was amazing, and amazingly challenging to say the least. Kate's been the greatest gift and I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Here are just a few of the pictures from the day!

Oh yeah! Kate's 1st year stats are as follows:

20lb. 10oz. (50%) & 30in. long (75%)

Loves:

Talking and babbling

Walking with toys in her hands

Stuffed bunnies

Any and all fruit

Other kids

Singing ABCs

Climbing up and down stairs (anything really)

Why I'll Alway Find Out the Sex of my Babies

Today I was commenting on a thread on Facebook regarding waiting to find out about the sex of a baby before he/she is born. It really got me thinking about my experience about finding out that Kate was a girl at the 20 week anatomy scan and whether or not we would ever decide to go "Team Green" (as they call people who wait to find out the sex of their baby at birth).

First of all, I want to state for the record that I, personally, do not care how people decide to find out, nor am I trying to make a push for people to find out, like Adam and I did, at 20 weeks. Both ways are awesome, both ways have their pros and cons, I'm a live and let live kinda gal!

The big day came for the anatomy scan. Let me tell you, this whole discussion is really a moot point when you consider what you are seeing and finding out at the anatomy scan. An anatomy scan is just that - scanning your baby's anatomy to make sure they are growing properly and that major organs are where they should be and functioning properly. That was the main concern on my mind that day and we were so so grateful to know we had a healthy babe. I should also mention here that Adam and I honestly did not care what we had. We were equally on the fence about having a boy or a girl and truly didn't hold any bias and had no "feeling" either way (although boy was tossed around a lot by others).

 It was actually quite funny because the ultrasound tech sprung the news on us without any warning toward the end of our appointment. It went something like this, "so the brain and heart look great, everything is growing as it shouldandyou'rehavingagirl." Seriously, that fast at the end...she just flew by it. Adam and I both teared up immediately looking at our baby girl on the screen. And then it hit me. 

The first words out of my mouth were, like a weird half apology to Adam. I starting asking him (multiple times) if he was okay and if he was really excited about it being a girl. Of course, he reassured me that he was so excited, but I wasn't convinced. I felt weird. I should be over the moon, but I wasn't. 

We finished up the appointment and made our way to the store to pick out our daughter's take home outfit which she would wear when we left the hospital (a new tradition that we will do with every kid we have).  We went to Carter's, where the store is split down the middle and the girls stuff is on one side, and the boys stuff is on the other. As we shopped, I couldn't help but glance over at the boys section and wonder what it would be like to be standing over there. What if we were having a son instead of a daughter? So, I walked over and stood amongst the blue, green and grey cloths and peered over to the girls section. That's when it hit me. If I was over here, knowing we were expecting a boy, peering over at all the girls cloths, I'd feel the exact. same. way. 

It wasn't about not having a boy. It wasn't being disappointed in finding out we were having a daughter. It was, in a sense, mourning the loss of one of the two images I've been holding in my head for 20+ weeks. Everyday I'd rub my belly and think about my son or my daughter. We'd planned and talked about the future regarding our son or daughter. I had two cute little images, two names, two babies in my head and heart. I had been nurturing a son and daughter this whole time. Now, one of them was just....gone. 

This realization actually was a huge relief to me. It took both Adam and I a couple more hours to really sink into being excited about a girl, but after that we were more than enthusiastic! I was at peace with our choice to find out and later, I was glad that through the intensity of labor I could focus on my baby knowing my daughter was making her way into this world...I loved having that connection with her. I guess part of me is just frightened that I might experience those emotions on the day my child is born.

So that's that. One gal's perspective on being Team Green/Blue/Pink and on one of the most fun parts of pregnancy!

The Art of Motherhood

 "It is better to bend than break"

Amen to that. 

For the nine months leading up to Kate's birth and in the months that have followed, I've tried to place a finger on what kind of mom I would be. What style would I adopt, that could be easily summed up in a few words, to perfectly describe my child rearing philosophies? The more research I did the more I determined how I wanted things to go. I started to construct a very precise vision of how I thought Adam and I should raise our daughter and it went something like this: I wanted to be a medicine and intervention free birthing/exclusive breastfeeding/cloth diapering/baby led weaning/kiddo wearing/co-sleeping/attachment parenting practicing mom. Some might call it "crunchy parenting." You know? Like granola...yum :) These were the things I deemed most important to me when it came to bringing this child into the world and by george, these things we would follow to a T! Do you see where I'm going with this?

Honestly, of all the items I've listed above, I've only practiced some of them some of the time. I won't get into details of why each one was either tossed by the wayside or abandoned in the midst of our busy nearly impossible schedule, but they all had one thing in common - they did not work for my family. End of story. I am disappointed that some of these parenting philosophies didn't work for me. I really am. When some aspect of parenting goes south, I typically flip flop between feeling like a total failure and just not giving a crap anymore...seriously, just prop Kate in front of the TV with some Cheetos and a Diet RC, I'm out! I don't do that though, and really it's not like me to want to toss in the towel and just give up on something, but slowly I'm learning that when raising a child, there are somethings you can't force. 

 

It's amazing what life can show when you look for the positive in things that have turned sour, it's  like the old saying goes, "it is better to bend than break." I've discovered along this crazy parenthood journey that bending is survival. Bending is sanity. Bending is growing and learning to be a better, calmer person. And frankly? Breaking isn't an option. 

So, when this "crunchy mama" wannabe is adamant that co-sleeping is the way to go, no questions asked and my girl throws me for a loop by sleeping soundly through the night, night after night, in her own crib? Bend. When my husband and I have completely drag down, knock out civil conversations about the pros and cons of baby led weaning and I can tell he is scared and uncomfortable with a major (to us at least) decision about our child's health and safety? Bend. When you're child is not gaining any weight after weeks and weeks and weeks of exclusively breastfeeding? Bend (and cry and pout for a bit, too).

And in the end, this is exactly what I wish for Kate to learn from us. How to live easy, and accept change gracefully, and to be happy with your circumstances, even when they aren't in your control. These are the important things I want to share with my child, more than any of the things I wished for above.

 

Oh, andplusalso? We NAILED the baby wearing...so there's that :)

7 Months and Current Goings-On

Well, I've been M.I.A. lately. Frankly, I just didn't feel like I had much to say.

I've been focusing in on the those ideas I listed a while back on my "personal constitution" and just maintaining a semi sense of sanity at our house. I feel like I keep waiting and waiting to get into a really regular routine with Adam and Kate, but alas...our life just isn't built for that. We like to take on spur of the moment visitors and attend events at the last possible moment. It's fun and it keeps us on our toes, but it sure doesn't lend itself to regularity. Those people that claim, "I always do grocery shopping on Tuesdays at 3:45pm" or "Sunday afternoons are when I clean my house" How?! How, I wonder do you manage to always be there at the same time every week! I'm equal parts envious and grateful that I don't feel the need for such rigid structure in my life. Sometimes I'm kicking myself that I (yet again) didn't get out from under that pile of laundry that I say I'm going to do that evening, but I love watching Adam play volleyball on a Wednesday or spending the day with family on Sunday afternoon. It can be stressful, but at the same time I'm so glad to be able to teach Kate to go with the flow...

I have a 7 month old now. At this point, she's practically closer to 8 months. Here are the highlights:

Likes:

Trying to clap her hands

Successfully waving "hi"

Exploring new foods and tastes

Playing with the handles on our coffee table

Chewing on nylon straps...and since all baby gear has safety straps nowadays this happens a lot

Dislikes:

Being unable to crawl easily...or go from lying down to sitting

Having anything taken away from her

That's about it...she's a pretty happy girl :)

Setting Goals Post-Baby

So, my goal for this week? Set goals...No seriously, I've come to the conclusion that I need to draft a "life constitution" for myself. I think this has been a long time coming since going back to work after my maternity leave.

that was then...

After I had Kate, my goals boiled down to one thing: provide for this child. Of course, there were several facets of this goal like, maintain breastfeeding for as long as possible, make sure she had plenty of tummy time, try to establish healthy sleep habits, etc...but, they all fell underneath that umbrella of providing for Kate. Other things went by the wayside during that time...and I'll admit it was really difficult to see that happen. I wasn't necessarily the momma who abandoned all other duties to completely immerse myself in to the new role of motherhood. I longed to have my life revolve around more than just this little person. I longed so much for it, in fact, that it caused some deeper issues that may have bordered on post partum depression and anxiety. That is a topic I will hit in the near future, by the way, just not today.



...this is now!

Well, fast forward 6 months and here we are. Kate's doing fabulously. She's growing up healthy and happy in what I like to call our "real life" (aka: full time working momma and daddy, baby going to daycare 5 days a week, 9 hours a day) and not the limbo of maternity leave where my focus was set on one thing.

So, you know what that means? It means I'm reintroducing important (and not-so-important) aspects of my life that were essentially shelved for a few months while we adjusted to our new bundle of awesomeness. My career, relationship with Adam (outside of caring for Kate), fitness/exercise, reading/learning/culture, and friends and family are starting to seep back into my peripheral vision...Kate and Adam are, of course, still in the forefront.

Yes, I can't wait to get back to more of this...

and some of this...



way more of this!

and even a dash of this! (whatever this is, it looks like fun!)

While I'm excited to move forward and start folding back into a more normal pace of living, I want to make sure that I lay the groundwork for an amazingly happy, healthy and productive life. It's quite a unique opportunity if you think about it. A cleaning of the slate. A reset, if you will, of my life. There was life before Kate and then a hard line was drawn and I get to choose what happens on the other side of that line...it's easy when you have solid definition like that and I want to seize the chance to make good of it!



One the flip side, however, I know I can't do it all. I need to examine what's important to me and to my family and focus on those things. There is a saying that I love so much, "I can do anything, just not all at once". So, so true. Here it is, I've started to just jot down the things that matter to me the most:

__________________________

1) Family/Friends – What defines being the best mom/wife/daughter/in-law/friend you can be?

2) Food/Fitness – Lead my family into a healthy, happy life by taking care of myself first and foremost (“oxygen mask” theory), maintaining a standard of healthful eating, ensuring our family take opportunities to get outdoors and be active as a regular part of our routein

3) Home/Atmosphere – Provide an open and warm home, keep things clean and organized, decorate and make holidays special and memorable, include and incorporate eco-friendly aspects through cleaning, purchasing furniture, upcycling/recycling...whenever possible and continually building on this goal.

 (this seems like a weird one to place so much importance on, but having a functional home is key to my mental stability, it's my recharge zone..and when it's in disarray, so am I)

4) Culture – Strive to continue to immerse our family in quality entertainment and culture. Stay away from “mind numbing” media, explore and incorporate educational media whenever possible….unplug more.



5) Community – Take time to participate in the community by volunteering time and energy…helping others through service.

______________________________________

This isn't all of it and what's there is really, really rough. I need to expand and add some new ideas, and I haven't even touched on some biggies like spirituality and career, but it's a start. I hope that this "personal constitution" will help give me guidance to live the best, fullest life possible by reminding me what I'm here for and what goals I would like to accomplish in the near and distant future.

Have you ever put something like this together either professionally or personally? If you have, how did it look in the end and do you still follow it?

...and now on a lighter note: a little music Monday for you :) Spring is right around the corner, or at least it better be! Adam and I always compartmentilize music into seasons cuz we're crazy like that! You know, for us Bob Marley just doesn't cut it during Thanksgiving! So, I've decided to pull out some of the peppier, sunnier music in anticipation of the weather warming up. Hope you enjoy!