Today I was commenting on a thread on Facebook regarding waiting to find out about the sex of a baby before he/she is born. It really got me thinking about my experience about finding out that Kate was a girl at the 20 week anatomy scan and whether or not we would ever decide to go "Team Green" (as they call people who wait to find out the sex of their baby at birth).
First of all, I want to state for the record that I, personally, do not care how people decide to find out, nor am I trying to make a push for people to find out, like Adam and I did, at 20 weeks. Both ways are awesome, both ways have their pros and cons, I'm a live and let live kinda gal!
The big day came for the anatomy scan. Let me tell you, this whole discussion is really a moot point when you consider what you are seeing and finding out at the anatomy scan. An anatomy scan is just that - scanning your baby's anatomy to make sure they are growing properly and that major organs are where they should be and functioning properly. That was the main concern on my mind that day and we were so so grateful to know we had a healthy babe. I
should also mention here that Adam and I honestly did not care what we had.
We were equally on the fence about having a boy or a girl and truly
didn't hold any bias and had no "feeling" either way (although boy was tossed around a lot by others).
It was actually quite funny because the ultrasound tech sprung the news on us without any warning toward the end of our appointment. It went something like this, "so the brain and heart look great, everything is growing as it shouldandyou'rehavingagirl." Seriously, that fast at the end...she just flew by it. Adam and I both teared up immediately looking at our baby girl on the screen. And then it hit me.
The first words out of my mouth were, like a weird half apology to Adam. I starting asking him (multiple times) if he was okay and if he was really excited about it being a girl. Of course, he reassured me that he was so excited, but I wasn't convinced. I felt weird. I should be over the moon, but I wasn't.
We finished up the appointment and made our way to the store to pick out our daughter's take home outfit which she would wear when we left the hospital (a new tradition that we will do with every kid we have). We went to Carter's, where the store is split down the middle and the girls stuff is on one side, and the boys stuff is on the other. As we shopped, I couldn't help but glance over at the boys section and wonder what it would be like to be standing over there. What if we were having a son instead of a daughter? So, I walked over and stood amongst the blue, green and grey cloths and peered over to the girls section. That's when it hit me. If I was over here, knowing we were expecting a boy, peering over at all the girls cloths, I'd feel the exact. same. way.
It wasn't about not having a boy. It wasn't being disappointed in finding out we were having a daughter. It was, in a sense, mourning the loss of one of the two images I've been holding in my head for 20+ weeks. Everyday I'd rub my belly and think about my son or my daughter. We'd planned and talked about the future regarding our son or daughter. I had two cute little images, two names, two babies in my head and heart. I had been nurturing a son and daughter this whole time. Now, one of them was just....gone.
This realization actually was a huge relief to me. It took both Adam and I a couple more hours to really sink into being excited about a girl, but after that we were more than enthusiastic! I was at peace with our choice to find out and later, I was glad that through the intensity of labor I could focus on my baby knowing my daughter was making her way into this world...I loved having that connection with her. I guess part of me is just frightened that I might experience those emotions on the day my child is born.
So that's that. One gal's perspective on being Team Green/Blue/Pink and on one of the most fun parts of pregnancy!
