On September 26, 2013 - 1 year after Kate's original due date - we found out that we had miscarried our baby at 10 weeks 4 days.
Honestly, I knew the baby was gone before we even went in for the ultrasound, there had been signs all week that the pregnancy might not be viable. But, the moment the tech placed the wand on my stomach, it became a reality. It wasn't my first time at the "rodeo" and I knew what we should be seeing on the screen. All there was was an empty space, literally my worst fear in life projected onto a screen. My heart was broken. Our Easter baby was on longer on his or her way.
This was my third pregnancy; second loss since 2010. I've had more unsuccessful pregnancies than successful ones. Bringing babies into the world isn't easy for me. It's an all out fight.
Now I move forward.
I'm working on healing emotionally. Concerning myself with taking care of my body and mind. Recovering from the procedure that removed all trace of the pregnancy, since my own body wasn't doing it on it's own. Grappling with the concept of hope and wondering if I'll be able to not only get pregnant again, but enjoy even one second of it without worrying. Carefully "undoing" all of the projected memories and milestones in my head and letting them go - how I would tell people at work, being pregnant at Christmastime, how long my maternity leave would be, spending a majority of that leave with Adam out of school (so fun!). Being frustrated, hell, even out right angry that I wouldn't have 2 kids under 2 years old (this baby would have been 19 months younger than Kate), that was a spacing in age that Adam and I were excited about.
I'm processing all of this while wondering what the implications of carrying around a broken
heart have on my husband and daughter and friends and family. Trying to be strong for them,
without denying myself a chance to recover from facing this
nightmare.
The upshot?
Everyday gets easier. Taking life day by day and mindfulness saves me constantly. I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I thought I was and I've gained monumental amounts of perspective. Realizing that everyone has something painful they carry reinforces my belief that we need to treat each other gently and kindly. I've got so much gratitude for the blessings in my life. I have a beautiful daughter and I know that I don't really need one more good thing to ever happen to me again because of her - she is enough.
This is just another beginning and I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. We will, of course, try to get pregnant again and I hope to bring another little soul into the world someday soon. I've got some work ahead of me to heal, but I'm ready to tackle it head on.
This fight and this story isn't over.
